Breastfeeding Hives/Anaphylaxis

I’m finally coming around to a place where I feel like I’m somewhat ready to talk about what happened a mere five days after Fiona was born. For the longest time, just thinking about it made me panic and feel sick to my stomach. But now, I almost feel like I need to write about it, and just get it all out. To move these thoughts to paper, so that I can try and move on. To write so that others can find this story if they too are going through the experience, just like I was helped by another blogger while in the midst of all of the chaos. A blogger I now consider to be one of my guardian angels even though we had never even talked before that day. This may be one of the hardest things I've ever had to write, so please bear with me, as I probably will just post and not re-read or proof-read. 

It started on a late on a Saturday night. I was nursing and pumping around the clock, because Fiona’s birth weight had dropped below 10%. At some point, about 20 minutes after nursing, I started scratching my leg, and when I looked down expecting a mosquito bite, I saw a pinkish white rash crawling up my calf. I turned to my husband giggling, and said, “I think I’m breaking out in hives”. I have no idea why I thought it was humorous at the time, but had I known then what was going to happen, I hardly would have found it funny. Ryan ran upstairs and grabbed me some Benadryl. I took two, and within an hour or so, the hives started to fade. Fast-forward to the next feeding, when again, 20 minutes after the feeding ended, the hives began to reappear. I texted my mom a picture, but didn’t think too much of it. They weren’t as bad this time around because of the Benadryl, so I wasn’t particularly worried.

However, the fear started to kick in the next day, when the hives kept multiplying after every feeding.  I started researching if the hives could be related to breastfeeding, since there were no other factors in my life that were new exposures, and because they kept reappearing after each feeding. I was surprised at how many stories I saw. Some people noted that their doctors were aware of it, while other people said their doctors had never heard of anything like that. I knew without a doubt, that this was what was happening to me. My parents came over, and my mom tried putting some chamomile lotion on me. It didn’t help at all. At this point, the Benadryl was having little effect…the hives kept coming, and quickly spread to my arms, back stomach and face. Basically, my entire body. Once they started surrounding my eyes and mouth, Ryan and I decided I needed to get to the hospital quickly. Luckily, we live right near a fire station, and they rushed me into an ambulance, where I was given oxygen and a shot of Benadryl. I don’t remember much of this part except crying hysterically, “I want my daughter. I want my daughter. I want my daughter.”

Once in the hospital, I was placed on a stretcher in the hallway. The hospital was completely overflowing, and in triage mode. One of the younger ER nurses came up to me and administered more medicine, and told me not to worry. She said that post partum hives were really common, and the same thing had happened to her, but that shouldn’t worry because I was in a much better place, since she said, and I quote, “When it happened to me, I coded on the floor.” She gave me the meds, walked away, and I never saw her again. Shortly after that, I was pretty much hysterical. The hives were getting worse (of course no one told me they get worse when you panic), I was crying uncontrollably, and just yelling, “I need my baby, I need my baby. Please God, I need my baby.” Over and over and over again. Then of course, I felt like I couldn’t breath.  At this point, it could have been the hives or a straight up panic attack. All I know is that Ryan ran down the hallway, a nurse came running back; I was finally whisked into a room. My clothes were cut off, and more tubes were attached all over my body. I was injected with more medication. Eventually after hours and hours, the hives began to fade a bit. Then, just as I was about to be sent home, they began to reappear. The ER doctor decided to send me home anyway, and said that once I started all of the prescriptions they would go away. I asked if I should be given an Epi-Pen, and was told no, because if they actually got that bad again, then the best thing would be for me to come back to the hospital.

I returned home with the prescriptions, took them, and sent Ryan out the door to take Fiona to her 1^st pediatrician appointment. I asked my mom to stay just incase things took a turn for the worse. Of course, within an hour of being home, they did. The hives, which had never truly gone away since they first appeared, came back with a vengeance. There were some that were as large as my palm, and what looked like (and possibly were?) hives on top of hives. Again, my entire body was covered, but much, much worse. I called 911, and the ambulance arrived quickly. Two of the guys were the same paramedics from the first trip. They quickly agreed that this indeed, was really, really bad. I was quickly placed in the ambulance, given more meds and rushed to the hospital again. Once we got there I just remember shaking uncontrollably. I’m fairly certain my body went into shock at this point. This time, even though the hallways were just as full as before, I was rushed into an exam room. I promise you, there is no good feeling that comes from being the priority patient #1 in a crowded hospital.

I remember my mom calling Ryan and telling him to get there as soon as he could. He met my Dad at our house, and dropped Fiona off with him. A bunch of ER doctors came to see me, all baffled over what was happening. The hives seemed to be coming in a cyclical timed nature, and with such intensity. I explained that I believed the correlation was with breastfeeding, and that I had decided to stop incase that was what was happening. I kept mentioning the other ER nurse who said she had experienced the same thing. None of the doctors that were on staff at this time though seemed interested in talking to her. Some blew my theory off, some wanted to research it, and another (male) doctor asked me if he could get me a pump so I could keep on breastfeeding since it was, “what is truly best for your baby.” At this point, I had been away from my child for pretty much over 24 hours. I just remember turning to him, looking him in the eye, and yelling…”Me being ALIVE is what is best for my baby right now.” He muttered something along the lines of, “Yeah, I guess you are right about that.” I think if there were ever an appropriate time to use the term asshole, this would be it.

Eventually, Ryan was able to join me, and he and my mom waited with me to see what was going to happen. It was so hard because I could see the fear in their eyes, and I felt like at that moment, I had to be strong for everyone, especially my child who I missed more than I ever knew I could miss someone. The doctors decided to admit me, and I was taken to a different floor. Even though the floor was an all-female floor, and I had a roommate, the main nurse decided to let Ryan spend the night in the room since my case was so severe. While the nurse was very sweet and cared a lot about my case (even agreeing to the fact that he believed the link with breastfeeding), he added a large bit of anxiety when he kept mentioning that he had never seen anything like this before, and that they had a trach tube and crash cart right outside at the main nursing station if they were needed. I’m sure this may have calmed some people, but it only made my anxiety go further and further off the charts.

Around 11:00 PM that night, they were able to get an allergist to come and see me. He prescribed large doses of iv Benadryl, and pills of prednisone, zantac, zertec, and atarax. Even with all of these medications, the hives continued to come in waves every 4 hours. All of the medications made me so unbelievably dizzy, but I couldn’t sleep. All I could think about was my baby. My baby who was being taken care of by everyone but me. The stress at this point was almost completely unbearable. At some point during this time, I came across a blog of someone who also experienced a type of post-partum hives. I sent her a message, and was surprised at how quickly she responded. She shared her experience with me, and even though her hives were not caused my breastfeeding, she explained how important it was to relax and try and pray. After talking with her, a sort of peace came over me, and I was really able to do deep breathing exercises and calm a bit down. I fell asleep for a bit, which I think helped my body start the healing process.

The next morning I was seen my every type of doctor possible. Everyone mentioned that my case was the talk of the hospital (again, not very reassuring). The hives were still coming in 4-hour waves, but the intensity was waning a bit. I could barely think straight because of all of the drugs, but I focused every ounce of energy I had on getting back to my daughter. I requested to be placed in a private room so that she could come and visit me. Later in the afternoon, they were able to move me, and the next day my parents brought my sweet, sweet baby girl to me. I was only able to see her for about a half hour, since she was so young, and the hospital was not the best environment for her to be in. It broke my heart into a million pieces but gave me hope and willpower at the same time.

The next day, the hives went away. All of the doctors told me that they would probably come and go over the following weeks, just not with such intensity. However, they never came back. I attribute this to my milk drying up (which happened quickly, since I quit breastfeeding after 5 days), and the fact that I cut out all pain medication for my C-section as soon as the hives started. From what research there is, hives caused by breastfeeding tend to be due to a reaction to the hormone released during let down. Of the cases of breastfeeding anaphylaxis on file, there is also a correlation with NSAIDs pain relievers. I was put on large doses of Motrin after my C-section, so this definitely could have played a part. I also spoke with my acupuncturist (who also came and provided a treatment during the hospital stay), and his take was that my liver became so overloaded with everything I was given during and after the C-section, that my body began attacking what was in the highest concentration. Which, just so happened to be a breastfeeding hormone. The allergist seemed to agree that the liver overload theory could definitely been a major factor.

I was eventually sent home, given an epi-pen and was reunited with my baby. I didn’t quite know how to deal with everything that had happened, and a newborn, so I just didn’t. I focused on my Fiona, and marched forward. All I wanted was to bond with her, and hold her and love her. The hives wasn’t the worst part of the experience…being separated from her was. It was so completely unnatural, but I didn’t quite have the time to comprehend that at the moment. I ran on adrenaline and love and tried my best to forget about what happened.

Of course not dealing with something always comes back to bite you. About 3 months post-partum, I started having really bad panic attacks and dreams of being separated from my child again. At first it wasn’t too bad, but then the panic became all-consuming. I finally started seeing someone about a month and a half ago to help me process everything that happened. If there is anything I can recommend if you experience something like this, is that you seek therapy as soon as you can. No one can go through a physical trauma, while being away from their newborn without all of the help and prayers they can get. So, I guess that is what I will ask for right now. Any prayers or love you can send my way would be greatly appreciated.

Lots of love,

Katie

A Letter to Fiona: 4 Months

To My Darling Fiona,

You are four months old today! As I sit down and write this letter, all I can think about is how one year ago yesterday, we found out that you would be joining our family. It’s crazy to think back now about how nervous and excited we were on that day, and how much has happened since then. From not knowing whether we would be having a son or a daughter, to wondering about what color your hair and eyes would be, to guessing what personality traits you would pick up…we just had no idea what to expect! But, here you are now, so alert and loveable, and the best thing that every happened to us. I can say one thing for certain baby girl, you are a million times more perfect than we could ever have imagined. We feel so blessed every day that you chose us to be your parents.

We feel blessed even when the days are hard and long and tough, which happened more often than not this month. You hit a major growth spurt this month, which in your mind equaled needing to be held all of the time. Not held so that you can cuddle, mind you, but held so that you can look down on everything around you. Your Papa and I joke that you want to be held just so you can look down upon your minions. Needless to say, your loud, vocal disdain of anything that resembled a seat, a bouncer or play-mat, equaled one tired Momma. You must have been exhausted too, because boy oh boy, did you grow. One night I was putting you in your footed pajamas and they were nice and roomy, and comfy, and the next night I went to put them on you and they barely fit. You really are getting to be such a big girl! 

Thankfully, all that growing didn’t interrupt your sleep too much. You now sleep from around 7:00 PM – 6:30 or 7:00 AM, and take two pretty good naps. You absolutely love your sleep. You’ve also become a self-soothing champ, and will talk or play in your crib if you wake up, before drifting off to sleep again. When you wake up in the morning you are so happy and excited and will just laugh and smile and squirm when we come to pick you up. I cannot even begin to explain how happy this makes us. We feel like we hit the baby sleep lottery with you, and we definitely don’t take it for granted.

You have also had a lot of changes and milestones this month! You stopped being swaddled around 15 weeks, and now love to stretch out and move in your sleep. We tried not swaddling a couple of times before week 15, but you definitely were not up for it. Then one day, we put you down and you fell right asleep without that sweet swaddle blanket, and have been without it ever since. We certainly miss the days of snuggling you up as a Fiona-burrito, but as usual, you let us know when you were ready to move up and on to the next big thing. In addition to giving up the swaddle, you also gave up any interest in your pacifiers. You are in love with your hands, and since they are constantly available, you’ve decided they are 100% better to stick in your mouth. I’m not really going to complain about this one, since it means we won’t have to break the habit, but I do miss the days when I could calm you down easily with the soothie pacifier.

Currently you love picking things up and pulling things down. Whether it’s your lovies, toys or my hair, you are so excited to grab, grab, grab. It’s kind of humorous to see you be able to pick up things that are sometimes half your size, and I love watching you light up with excitement when you discover something new. You also adore talking and singing. You still aren’t that excited by most toys (although you do tolerate the jumparoo we introduced fairly well). You would prefer to just have conversations all day long. Your face lights up when your Papa or I talk to you, and you babble along with the great tales that you want to tell us. You also love to try and sing. I’ll have the radio on, or will sing a song to you, and you’ll start cooing right along with the music. You most definitely get your conversation and singing skills from your Papa.

This month you were also baptized into the Catholic Church. The baptism was held at the same church where your Papa and I were married in 2008. It was a beautiful ceremony, and the deacon who baptized you loved your name so much that he broke out singing the Irish Blessing song. We loved that our families came out to share this special day with you, and we are so thankful to God for bringing you to into our lives.

As for interesting facts:

-      -  It’s your first fall! We’re filling it with as much pretty leaves, pumpkins and football a four month old can handle.  You love to lay outside on a blanket and look up at the yellow, orange and red leaves.

-       - You were baptized on October 7^th, 2012

-       - You can almost roll over from your belly to back. You get a bit stuck on your side, and have been trying to grab onto things to help try and pull yourself over. Of course, this leads us to believe you are a genius child.

-       - You still protest tummy time with as much passion as a toddler throwing an epic temper tantrum. I’m fairly certain you could probably crawl right now if you decided you wanted to do so, but you prefer to let the neighborhood know that you really, really dislike tummy-time. Then you pretend to sleep. It’s actually quite endearing some days, but the dramatics of it all has me a bit nervous for toddler Fiona.

-       - You adore the Itsy Bitsy Spider Song. You squeal with delight every time I start singing it, which of course, means I sing it 1000x a day. Anything to make you happy, little one.

-       = You took your first trip to the apple orchard. You of course fell asleep the second we arrived, but there are pictures to prove that you were actually there.

I love you more than I ever could have imagined I would 365 days ago. You are our smiley faced, giggle-fest, red-headed little love bug. You are our sunshine.

xoxo,

Your Mama & Papa

Why I Tell My Daughter I'm A Great Mother

I noticed my bad habit about three weeks after my daughter was born. You know, that point where the adrenaline is wearing off, your nerves are a bit more frayed, your much more sleep deprived, and the enormousness of the reality that you are completely responsible for another person's well-being and upbringing really starts to set in. No pressure there.

It started harmlessly enough. Maybe I'd realize that a bottle was a bit too cold, and I'd make an off-handed comment like, "Oh no, Mommy didn't warm up your breakfast enough. Bad Mommy!" Or perhaps errands ran a bit longer than expected leaving me with a grumpy, fussy pants. I'd quickly quip, "Uh oh, Momma  took too long. I'm so, so sorry babycakes! Momma messed up!"

Before long I found myself pointing out all of my daily flaws. To my infant. At some point I realized just how wrong all of this was. Heck, there are hundreds of people out there, and thousands of websites, who are just ready to pounce and point out all of the things they believe I am doing wrong as a mom. Somewhere along the line parenting techniques became decisive, and it became ok for everyone to voice their opinion on how you should be raising your child. You know, the child who provided you with endless days of morning sickness, the child you worried about since the day you found out you were pregnant, the child you birthed, and the child you are responsible for raising into a caring, responsible adult. The child you know better than anyone else in the world.

Those people can talk all they want about what they believe I may or may not be doing wrong, because I could care less about their opinions. But I do care about the opinions of my daughter. Because sometime in the future, she will most likely be a mother herself. And if I've raised her right, I know she will be a great mother. And what I will want more than anything else, is for her to recognize that in herself.

So I've changed my tune. Now I spend my days telling my daughter what a great mom she has. I give myself verbal pats on the back when I give her cuddles that stop the tears, or sing her songs that make her laugh. And I'll continue that tune when she needs me to  kiss the boo-boos to make them all better, or help mend her broken heart. Because one day, she'll realize that I'm not a perfect person, but that doesn't mean I wasn't the perfect mom for her.

Fiona's Baptism

Yesterday, Fiona was baptized into the Catholic Church. The baptism took place at Saint Joseph's on the Brandywine, which is the same church where we were married. I love the sentiment that such big events for our family were held in the same place. It was a bit of a dreary, rainy day, but it was filled with so much love, faith and support. 

Our little family 

 The godparents! My sister, Kristen, and Ryan's brother, Kyle

 My little leprechaun. 

When your name is Fiona Kathleen, and you're a Mc and you're a redhead, your Mama has to dress you up in an Irish linen christening gown. Obviously.

This was during the Litany of the Saints. The deacon who was presiding over the baptism, likes to research different saints that share names and birthdays with the child. For Fiona, he chose Saint Finnian (closest to Fiona), Blessed Kateri of Tekakwitha (for Kathleen), and Blessed Mercedes de Jesus Molina (died on June 12th). We were laughing because he said there were so many Saint Catherines to choose from, since Kathleen is derived from Catherine. But for some reason, he felt compelled to focus on Blessed Kateri of Tekakwitha. What was humorous, is that I had chosen Kateri as my confirmation name. Also humorous, was that of all the saints associated with June 12th, he chose Blessed Mercedes de Jesus Molina, who was born in Ecuador. You know, that place my husband lived for a while. Neither of these facts were known by the deacon, so it made everything seem even more special.

 Fiona receiving the sign of the cross from her godparents

About to be baptized. If I look nervous, it's because my daughter who should have been awake at this time actually looked like this: 

 Needless to say, her reaction after being sound asleep and then having water poured over her head was everything that you could possibly imagine it would be. 

Baptized baby!

I did have socks for her, but I completely forgot to put them on. Oh well, baby feet are cute :)

 The white garment is a part of the Catholic baptism. For her white garment, the deacon gave Fiona this, which his wife needlepointed for her. It was unbelievably sweet. 

 We had a small reception at our house afterwards: 

 Ryan, Fiona & Kyle

 My sisters Kristen & Laura, Me, Fiona & My Brother Joey

It was a wonderful day, and it was great to celebrate with our families! 

Vacation Dreaming: Galway, Ireland

Summer is most definitely drawing to a close, and while I'm excited for football, apples, and pumpkin spice, I'm already thinking about next summer when we hopefully get to go on vacation again. While we did a few day trips here and there this year, I'm dreaming of getting away from it all and exploring the world while holding Ryan and Fiona's hands. Since that time is a bit of a ways off, I figured I can live vicariously through some of my pictures from last year when we traveled to Ireland for my Dad's 60th birthday. In what was probably the last family vacation we'll all take together, since there are sure to be many more spouses and babies in the near future, my parents went all out and rented a wonderful house in Galway, Ireland. It was absolutely perfect, because everyone could come and go as they please, or hang out together if they wanted. We spent many days walking around town, driving to other cities in southern Ireland, and spending quality time together. Cheers to an amazing trip, Dad!

Here are some pics from our time in Galway: 

This was a welcome sight to see considering we were flying the same airline, and leaving from the exact same gate, as the flight that almost caused me to miss my best friend's wedding a few weeks earlier...

Saint Anne's Place: 

I still miss my maiden name. 

Welcome pastries! 

Ryan in the library. Don't be fooled by the big book he's reading...it's Harry Potter & the Goblet of Fire. 

The family! Laura, Mom, Dad, Kristen, Joey & Me 

(yes, my sisters and I look exactly alike even though I am 4 & 6 years older than them, respectfully).

Ryan cooking a birthday dinner for my Dad. Major son-in-law points for that one. 

Birthday Chicken & Potatoes

No meal would be complete without birthday cupcakes!

Beautiful Galway: 

Leprechaun Door. 

Walking to Salthill 

My amazing siblings. Me, Laura, Kristen & Joey.

Irish Beer Tasting (lets be honest, that is the number one thing to do in Ireland). 

Tea time!

Ryan calls this his, "That's not a Guinness" photo.

Pub love.  

A Letter to Fiona: 3 Months

My Beautiful Fiona,

You are three months old today! You are starting to look more and more like a little person and less like the newborn you were just a few short weeks ago. A part of my heart is sad to see you get bigger everyday, but it is quickly filled with the love and excitement that comes with seeing the bits and pieces of who you are shine through.

One of the most memorable moments of this month was when you got to meet my grandfather, your great-grandfather. He is your only living great-grandparent, and probably will not be with us that much longer. He absolutely loved meeting you, and you could not stop smiling at him. I think there is a special connection between those who are at the beginning of life and those who are closer to the end. It’s like you share some knowledge that those of us in the middle aren’t privy to.  It melted my heart to share you with him.

You also made two big trips this month. The first was to your Nana and Granddad’s house in Virginia Beach. They were so thrilled to see you again, and celebrated by throwing a Sip & See celebration to introduce you to their close friends and some of your extended family. You were a huge hit, and you handled all of the excitement in stride. It was so wonderful to see how much love there is surrounding you.  You were a fantastic traveller, and were so good even when the five-hour ride home turned into an eleven-hour ordeal (in fact, you may have dealt with it even better than your Papa and I did!).

Over Labor Day weekend, you took your second trip, which also consisted of your first time leaving the country. We headed north to Toronto, Canada to visit our friends Meredith and Andrew. The trip took about 12 hours each way with stops for feeding and stretching. Your Papa and I were both nervous about traveling so far with you being so young, especially since you hit a bit of a growth spurt at the same time. You surprised us again though, and even though there were a couple bumpy times, you handled everything as well as could possibly be expected from a tiny baby. On our way home, we even took some time to stop at Niagara Falls. You won’t remember seeing the falls this young, but I’m so excited to share the pictures with you one day.

You did happen to find your voice on the way up north, and were incredibly excited to hear yourself yell as much as possible.  Of course, the pinnacle of your yelling spectacle took place while we were waiting in line at the border crossing. The most amusing part about you finding your voice is that you’ve pretty much abandoned crying in place of straight up yelling. While louder, there are much less tears, so I guess that is a plus.

Thankfully a few days after you discovered yelling, you figured out how to laugh. You surprised your Papa by giving him a big belly laugh when he was telling you how lovely you are in Spanish. The following day, you decided to share your newly found skill with me. And, oh my goodness, I love it so much that I now spend most of our time together trying to get you to giggle.

You also met a lot of our close friends this month, and it was such a joy to introduce you to them. You met your Papa’s best friend Dan, his wife Christy, and their two beautiful girls Claire and Elena on our way back home from Virginia Beach. You also met your Momma’s wonderful friends, aka your honorary aunts… Ashley (along with her husband Charlie and adorable son Braden), Laura, and Stephanie. You met honorary Aunt Meredith when you were two weeks old, and you’ll meet honorary Aunt Colette in December. Sometimes it still takes me back that we have all moved onto the next stage of life. It seems like just yesterday we were all running around and enjoying all that comes with being carefree and in your early twenties. There is so much more responsibility now, but there is also so much more love, and for that I am thankful.

As for interesting facts:

-       You took your first trip to Nana & Granddad’s House on August 17th

-       You met your great-grandfather on August 29^th

-       You took your first trip to another country (Canada) on August 31^st

-       You can now roll over from your stomach to back on both your right and your left sides

-       You can now grab and pick up items (although, not usually intentionally)

-       You laughed for the first time on September 9^th

-       It’s your first football season! Both Mama and Papa’s college teams have won their first two games. Don't tell Papa, but I like to do the Hokie Pokie with you when he's not around...I'm fairly certain this will make you a VT fan. 

We love you so much little munchkin. You make everyday a better one.

Love you more than all the stars in the sky,

Your Mama & Papa

Fiona's Lullaby Playlist: Volume 1

We have a couple of long road trips coming up over the next few weeks. While I love Rockabye Baby! and Spanish Lullabies (for Ryan to sing), I need some more variety in my life. Plus, I'm horrible at remembering the lyrics to any of the traditional lullabies. Heck, I didn't even realize until we were setting up the nursery (at the ripe old age of 30) that Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star, the ABC song, and Baa Baa Black Sheep were all set to the same melody. Enter Fiona's first mixed tape (well, cd if you will). It's very random, but I like it that way :)

 Fiona's Lullaby Playlist (Vol. 1):

1) Be My Baby- The Ronettes
2) My Girl- The Temptations
3) Baby Love- The Supremes
4) Beach Baby- The First Class
5) All You Need Is Love- The Beatles
6) God Only Knows- The Beach Boys
7) Back Where I Come From- Kenny Chesney (This is Fiona's favorite Kenny song...in our house, he's the baby whisperer)
8) She's Got It All- Kenny Chesney
9) It Won't Be Like This For Long- Darius Rucker
10) To Make You Feel My Love- Tamara Woodman
11) Baby Mine- Alison Krauss
12) Smile- Nat King Cole
13) When You Wish Upon A Star- Tony Bennett
14) Somewhere Over The Rainbow- Katherine McPhee
15) Goodnight, My Angel- Billy Joel
16) You Belong To Me- Carla Bruni (yup, Nicolas Sarkozy's wife)
17) When Irish Eye's Are Smiling (A favorite of my Dad's to sing to me when I was little)- Bing Crosby
18) Les Yeux Ouverts (Dream A Little Dream)- Emilie Claire Barlow
19) Too-Ra-Loo-Ra-Loo-Ra- Rosemary Clooney (another my Dad sang to me)
20) Sou Gan (Welsh Lullaby)- John Williams (Ryan learned this one in high school and loves to sing it to Fiona)
21) Hallelujah- Jeff Buckley
22) World to Me- David Gray
23) Ho Hey- The Lumineers
24) I Won't Give Up- Jason Mraz
25) The Best of What's Around- Dave Matthews Band

p.s. It's kind of weird to think that she'll never have to sit around all day by the radio to hit the record button when her favorite song comes on. Kids these days... :)

A Letter to Fiona: Two Months

My Dearest Fiona,

Two months. 8 weeks. It doesn’t sound like very long, but I can’t remember what our lives were like without you in it. It sounds a bit cliché to say that, but it is so very true. You make every day better (even the difficult ones!), and every night we go to bed excited to see what the next day with you will be like. 

This second month has been all about awareness. You began to open your eyes up much more around weeks four and five, and now you are bright eyed and alert whenever you are awake. You can see that you are just beginning to understand cause and effect. You’ll touch a toy on your activity mat, and get so excited when the toy makes a noise. You don’t quite have enough control to create the noise intentionally, nor do you understand that you are the one causing the noise, but you seem to grasp the concept that something is causing the noise to happen. You’ve also found your hands (and endlessly try to get them into your mouth), and love to watch your feet move. I adore that such simple things cause so much delight and bewilderment.

You’re personality is beginning to shine through more and more. You are a fairly content and happy baby the majority of the time, and are becoming quite particular about what you like (eating, country music, bouncing) and what you do not like (burping, swinging, the cold air hitting your bum after a bath). I find it humorous that at this young age, you already have preferences. While you are fairly happy-go-lucky, you are also quite passionate and determined. Also amusing is the fact that you are already learning to be a bit dramatic with your reactions. When you are really mad and not getting what you want, you cry loudly and then look around for our reaction. When the reaction isn’t what you are expecting, you lock your left leg and stomp your right foot. We are surely in for it when you are a toddler and a teenager.

You have a very blasé attitude towards all of your toys…opting for human interaction as your activity of choice. You love to play a game where I tell you that we’re going for a walk in the jungle (or forest). I move your legs slowly while we’re “walking,” and then I’ll exclaim that we just saw a bear (or any of the other litany of random animals I come up with). At this point I’ll move your legs quickly so we can “run” away from said animal. The second I say that we’re going for a walk, your whole face lights up and you get so excited. You also love it when I have conversations with you. I’ll ask you about your night, your dreams, what you want to do today, if you want tea and biscuits…anything really, and you’ll just coo right along as though you are speaking back to me. I’m fairly certain I love this just as much as you do.

Perhaps the best thing that has happened this month is that you began to smile. It started out as a random grin here and there, but now you give us tons of smiles every day. There aren’t any words that could possibly describe the delight I feel when I see you happy. On the flip side, of course, you also started crying real tears, and have perfected a heart-wrenching lower lip quiver. I find it slightly ironic that even at two months old you have come to learn that joy and sadness are intrinsically intertwined. That one cannot exist without the other. It is a lesson that you will continue to learn throughout your life, but I hope that you are always able to find joy and happiness even in the darkest of times.

As for interesting facts:

-       You took your first trip to the beach (Sea Isle City, NJ)

-       You took your first trip to the zoo (Cape May Zoo)

-       You experienced your first Olympics (London)

-       You met your Aunt Colleen and Uncle Kyle for the first time on your Mama & Papa’s 4^th Wedding Anniversary (July 26^th). You’ll get to meet your cousins at Thanksgiving.

-       You’ve rolled over from front to back about 8 times, but not with any consistency. I’m sure that will be coming soon though!

-       You smiled for the first time on July 16^th

-       You slept from 9:00 PM – 6:00 AM the first half of the month, and are now sleeping from 8:00 PM - 6:30 AM (we are so thankful for this!)

Keep on smiling baby girl!

We love you times infinity and beyond,

Your Mama & Papa

Because A Day With Your Crying, Cranky Baby Is An Absolute Blessing

Yesterday was one of those days. Fiona was refusing naps from the get-go. She would either lay there wide awake, or would sleep for 10-15 minutes and then refuse to fall asleep again. This equaled an exhausted baby, and just perpetuated the no-nap cycle. There may or may not have been tears on both of our parts, and I may have (not so secretly) been counting down the minutes until my husband was due home.

I was frustrated and tired, but had promised an acquaintance from high school that I would volunteer for a gala that her non-profit workplace holds in April. I really didn't know too much about the organization, nor had I had time to really research it, seeing as how my baby has been keeping me on my toes. I may have gotten lost on the way to the meeting, and contemplated just turning around, and throwing in the towel for the day. But sometimes you get a push from God, and he reminds you of how lucky you really are.

Turns out, the organization that the gala benefits is for a pediatric nursing home. It is a place where babies and children that require 24/7 medical care can stay, so that they can live somewhere that offers a bit more of a "home" environment than a hospital room.

During the volunteer meeting, they showed the gala video from the year before. It highlighted a trip that the children (that were physically able to) took to Disney World, and all of the work that was required to take 8 kids with severe disabilities (many were on ventilators) to Florida. It was absolutely unbelievable what was needed just to get the children to and through the airport. One child had never been outside of the facility complex, and he spent 20 minutes enthralled with a fire hydrant in front of Southwest Airlines, just because he had never seen one before. And to see the children react when they got to meet Mickey and Minnie Mouse (did you know Mickey can even do the theme song in sign language?!?)...well, lets just say it had us all in tears.

After the meeting, I was invited to take a tour of the facility. The organization is just fantastic, and what they provide for these children is absolutely amazing. But to walk through those hallways and see the rooms with the tiny little beds and cradles was absolutely heart-wrenching. Each of the rooms even has two closets. One for the child's clothes and another that acts as a nursing station, so that the parents don't have to see some of the scary medical equipment. There are even "emergency" rooms that are set aside for  children with disabilities that are taken into state custody, or for children that require end of life care.

While all of these things are great to have, it was a truly humbling experience that reminded me of just how good I have it. Because even though I may have hard days with a cranky baby, I have the privilege of getting to hold my baby. I get to feed my baby. I get to put my baby to sleep at the end of the day. I can kiss and cuddle her when I want to. I can read her books, and tell her tales. I can pick her up in the morning and tell her I love her over and over again. So no matter how hard I think some of the days are, I will always, always remember how blessed I am.